Communication in alcoholic relationships

Guiding Principles

Detachment has long been an issue for me. I was still trying to manipulate and control my adult children in their early 30s. I wanted to save my addicted son, but he wasn't cooperative!

As time went by the slogan, "Let Go and Let God," and the Serenity Prayer were my guiding principles. However, I still found myself floundering and unable to say no to requests for money to pay for lawyers' fees or groceries.

One day at a meeting I picked up the leaflet , Detachment (S-19). Someone had used a yellow highlighter to mark the words, "In Al-Anon we learn not to create a crisis," and, "In Al-Anon we learn not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." Finding this pamphlet at that particular point in my recovery meant my Higher Power was leading the way. I only needed to follow.

My son is now in prison and I was able to let him follow his own path. What I could not control, he is learning for himself. I have learned to set boundaries so as not to involve myself in creating or preventing crises. I have a trusted Al-Anon Sponsor who supports me and shares her ex periences with me through my heartaches and my hopes for growth. I live in gratitude, one day at a time.

—Carole R., Missouri
The Forum, February 2004

The bottom line

When I attended my first Al-Anon meeting, I felt as though I was dying from the inside out. I’d been attending individual therapy sessions as well as group sessions. The people in the group sessions had various issues and some also attended Al-Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous. When my therapist suggested I figure out why I was addicted to an alcoholic, I was shocked because I didn’t understand what she meant. She referred me to Al-Anon. I went in order to figure out what she was talking about.

After two years in Al-Anon, I realized I was so obsessed with what my husband was doing that I had lost myself. Recovery has been a long, hard road and I know I still have a long way to go. The Twelve Steps and the Al-Anon group’s support and understanding have literally saved my life. I work the first three Steps over and over every day. Steps Four through Twelve, I work as needed—but they all make sense to me now.

Since attending Al-Anon meetings and coming out of denial, I’m both amazed and appalled at the magnitude of alcoholism in our society. So many people around me are dealing with the same issues I’m facing. The bottom line for me is to be there for others, while keeping my primary focus on myself—a daily struggle.
Sometimes I think about comparing myself to others, but I’ve learned I can only get better when I’m comparing where I’ve been with where I’m going. What works for one person may not work for me, but I can apply Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps to everything I face.

Al-Anon is a wonderful program for families and friends of alcoholics. It has principles we can all use to improve our lives and our relationships with family and friends. As I hear in meetings, we “practice these principles in all our affairs.”

—Lu S., North Carolina
The Forum, April 2006

Choosing differently boosted my self-esteem

God gave me an unusual gift. When I was born, I was missing a hand. My parents tell me I was a happy, loving, outgoing, little girl. When I entered grade one, I started to change. I became angry, ashamed, and self-critical. In order to cope, I started denying who I was. I began hiding that part of me, which took so much energy and caused great anxiety.

Numerous counselors tried to help me overcome my fears of rejection and my difficulties with self-acceptance. I lost out on many opportunities due to feeling insecure with the way I look. I was depressed, suicidal, and I isolated myself from others. I was deteriorating emotionally and physically. I tried changing my outer appearance to make myself look better—to make me feel beautiful.

Some of my choices led me down traumatic roads. I mistook sex for love and became promiscuous, which left me feeling unhappy. I used food to comfort my unhealthy feelings and became overweight. I realized the way I was living wasn’t working for me, but continued living in the insanity. I feel sad when I think about how I stayed married to an abusive alcoholic who disrespected me, humiliated me, and broke my heart.

Al-Anon has helped change my life. I’ve overcome situations I never believed I could. In Al-Anon I’ve learned to be honest with who I am and to love and accept myself. I got tired of being a victim. I no longer rely on others for my happiness—instead I turn to my Higher Power or my Sponsor. In return I feel relief and serenity. I’m gentle with myself and understand this is a lifetime commitment.

This past year, I’ve seen so much growth in myself. I’m learning to “Let Go and Let God.” Shame, guilt, and old resentments are disappearing from my past. The quality of my relationships with my children, friends, and family are improving.

Although I still struggle with my ex-husband’s alcoholism, I know that one day—because of this Twelve Step program—there will be peace between us. For the first time in my life, I’m able to look at myself and say, “I love you.”

—By Anonymous, Canada
The Forum, September 2006

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