A new relationship brought my old issues back

I am an incest survivor; I met an alcoholic the day I was born.

I replaced him with other alcoholics, as well as gamblers and addicts of every kind. I was single until I was 52. I remember thinking, “I’ve finally got myself a ‘normal’ guy!” But the truth was, his life had been affected by someone else’s drinking and he hadn’t yet found recovery.

I received one key piece of wisdom when I agonized over whether to marry this man I loved: a Sponsor told me not to place all my eggs in my fiancé’s recovery. Ask the question: “Do I trust my own tools; my own recovery?” And I did. And I do.

I had 12 hard-fought years in Al-Anon, working the Steps over and over, reading, sponsoring and being sponsored, and participating in service work. But when I got into this relationship, it wasn’t enough. I had to be a newcomer again—a frightened, angry newcomer. I’ve heard that being in a relationship is like pouring fertilizer on all my character defects.

I have lived with fear and anger all my life. I still do, to some extent. But I’m crawling out of it. And it hasn’t been only crawling. There has been a lot of dancing in these years of recovery.

My partner’s got more than three years in Al-Anon today. He’s growing, I’m growing, and it’s good. I talk to my Sponsor. It is so important to me to be accountable and to tell the truth to someone. A Sponsor is essential for me because I tend to keep secrets—and secrets are deadly to me.

When I did my last Fourth Step, I looked hard at my life; I talked about all the embarrassing stuff—and the shame is gone. Shame drags me down and makes me ill. I try to be very careful to tell my Sponsor all the dirt. My Sponsor knows it all and loves me anyway.

I pray and meditate. I can’t sit still so I do a nine-minute meditation each morning: three minutes of writing; three minutes of silence; and three minutes of reporting. It is good, and my Higher Power has often spoken to me in the silence.

I can recover for fun and for free. All I need to do is give back to the newcomers coming in the door with fear and anger in their eyes what was given so freely to me.

By Claudia M., Arizona
The Forum, February 2010

© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2010. All Rights Reserved.